~

When I think about the fact that I'm going to turn 19 - in the middle of my BAC ( 'cause that's how lucky I am ) - and that you'll be almost 21, I honestly cannot believe how fast time flies by. I had just turned 13 when I first met you, on July 6th, and you were almost 15. I honestly cannot believe that I have known you for so many years, for my entire teenage years basically. 

I think about how fast these years went by, how I truly wasted them sometimes and I'm still wasting them sometimes- 'cause we want to accomplish our dreams so much and I personally have this plan for my life and I just forget to cherish everything that's happening now, I forget to take it day by day.

It's sad when you think you'll never get these years back and you somehow wish you would have had yourself, from the future, telling yourself from the past everything you have learned the hard way. 

You wish you could have told yourself that you've stressed out over the most stupid things, you wish you could've told yourself to go out and have fun when you've isolated yourself in your home. Now you know you have to work for things, for them to turn out as you want them to. You wish you could have told yourself to not waste your time, your words, your tears, your body, your soul, your smiles, your conversations, you wish you could have told yourself to not open your mind to certain people and letting them to get to know you. 'Cause after they got to know you and things didn't work out with them, you felt like you weren't worth it. 

And let me tell you, I love all my past mistakes. I have learned way too much from them to not appreciate them in some way but I do feel disgusted by some things and I do regret them deeply.

My teenage years are blurry for the most part cause honestly, I was drunk for the most part. I do remember the beautiful moments that turned into dust and I took them as a lesson forever with me. I know I will always remember who picked me up when I was down, who destroyed me and I destroyed back. I will remember how much I thought revenge brings peace of mind and I was so wrong, so many times. I will never forget the tears or the pain or the depression I had for so many years without even showing it and how I thought that I'm going to have a long, sad life. Because that's what you think when you're young(er). You think you have time to be sad and feel sorry for yourself. You don't. But that's ok, because you need those sad moments in order to grow up. 

It's strange how, at the end of all of the craziness, I've realised that all these years,

I was my one true enemy. Actually, my mind was. 'Cause I had so many deep thoughts, that I still have sometimes, but I've just learned to control them and use them for my benefit. I don't really know how I got this personality, but I do know that you were mostly part of the process. I don't know how I became such a depressed girl, who got bored so easily and loved to play mind games. When I think about it now, I see all these things as immature and stupid.

It's true what they say, that you first have to come to good terms with yourself and your mind, in order to be able to be happy. 

As I said, time goes by so fast. You were so little and I was so little and I didn't even know what it feels like to be touched by someone and truly connect. It's so strange how you just meet some people in life and you just instantly bound so deeply and you can never get away from that bound, no matter how much the other person makes you hate them.

I'm happy that you didn't let me hate you tho'. After our first kiss, I knew that something was so right and even if you broke my heart for many years, you at least were my friend. 'Cause I never wanted to lose you as a friend. You were that one best friend of mine that was as fucked up as I was and had a mind so deep and so weird and so hard for a normal person to understand. I don't know why it was you, but it brings tears of joy when I think about the fact that the first truly, magical moment I've had in my life and what I thought I could never have again with you, has evolved many years later into an amazing relationship, with the one person who truly got me and how weird and crazy I was; with my best friend.

You were never scared of my craziness. Although we had some extremly bad moments, in our fucked up way we have finally managed to make peace with each other. I know I have screamed at you so badly, so many times and hit you and even cursed you throughout our relationship; but you never, not even once fired back at me and even if you also screamed at me, when I hit you- you would pull me closer and when I cursed you- you would tell me to not talk like that and you would tell me you love me instead. It's sad to think that we fought so hard until we realised that we want the same thing; but it's amazing to see how all of our fights were only for us to get to know each other even more. And I just always had that feeling and I know you did too- that no matter how much pain is there, we will break through it at some point and find each other again, because it is worth it. I've learned that a true relationship means so much work but it was worth it, because it meant that I'm going to have my best friend and the love of my life by my side always and it is still worth it, 'cause I would honestly go through anything for you.

I just want you to know that my love for you is bigger than myself and bigger than I could ever explain. We just *click* in everything. You love what I love and I love what you love. We have the same bad habits and we'll be happy alchoholic-smokers for life, and we'll have deep conversations always, out of nowhere, and you will do the cutest things and I will say the most stupid things and you'll laugh and make fun of me and we'll always have the best sex of my life and we'll always have the best love I have ever felt. Your touch feels like the softest and most loving touch I have ever felt and you are such a pasional and crazy and optimistic and chill and charismatic and funny person. You love so deeply and I just hope that I'll always be good enough for you and that I will appreciate you as much as you deserve.

Your name is tattooed on my body and your person if forever tattooed in my mind so I know I'll never escape you; and I don't want to ever escape you, 'cause you're the best thing that has ever happened to me.