~ The hearts that I touched will be the proof that I lived. ~

" If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide. "

- Mahatma Gandhi

=))))) this is so me

You may not be in my life but you'll always be in my heart. 

Nici eu nu puteam sa o spun mai bine de atat.

" I believe in me. Let me do me. You like it? Cool. You don't? Fast forward. "

- Kanye West

When your friends call you everyday to hang out although you don't always have time, you know you're doing something right. And you feel so blessed. 

You know everything about me and you actually love me and that's so amazing;

I realised I was paying so much attention to her and what went wrong, that I kind of abandoned all of you at some point and I'm so sorry and so happy now. My shitty days are bearable because of you all

What can I say? Please recognise I'm trying baby...

24 februarie

V: " Sa te cuceresc pe tine a fost cel mai complex lucru "

A: " De ce? "

V: " Pentru ca tie a trebuit sa-ti cuceresc mintea, nu corpul "

Am avut de atat de multe ori ganduri negre  de-alungul timpului, momente in care am crezut ca totul este prea greu, ca nu mai pot continua, momente in care am crezut ca nu mai vreau sa traiesc. Am avut momente in care mi-am facut rau, cicatrici pe care le voi avea mereu, momente in care durerea fizica parea sa fie singura care ar putea " distrage atentia " de la durerea psihica. Am avut momentele acestea si au fost atat de intense incat mi-am pus sanatatea in pericol si am fost foarte aproape sa ma sinucid de mult prea multe ori. 

Mi se mai intampla uneori sa ma cufund in melancolie, sa privesc in gol si sa las gandurile negre sa puna stapanire pe mintea mea, mi se intampla atat de brusc incat am ajuns sa cred ca pur si simplu asa functioneaza mintea mea sau asa este firea mea.

Insa azi... Azi a fost altceva. 

Am avut atat de multe momente in care am crezut ca tot ceea ce vreau este sa nu mai traiesc, insa azi tot ce voiam era sa traiesc cat mai mult si ma gandeam cate lucruri mai am de facut si ca este imposibil sa se termine asa. 

Dintr-un lucru aparent banal- dar nu chiar; si cat se poate de real. 

Stiu ca v-ati pastrat cu totii calmul ( relativ ) cand v-am povestit, ca sa nu-mi induceti o fobie de viitor, insa v-am vazut fetele si inca simt socul. 

Primul gand a fost " nu se poate sa se termine asa ", iar ce am scos pe gura a fost " oare cat de mult e pana jos? ", in timp ce cautam ceva de care sa ma tin.

Stiti acele faze din filme, in care oamenii mor din diverse motive si le arata reactiile, iar tu te gandesti " daca nu se ducea acolo/daca nu facea X lucru, inca traia " ? Fix la ele ma gandeam. Cele mai groaznice scene din filme nu sunt cele in care se moare din chestii nenaturale, cum ar fi ca l-a omorat vampirul X pe unu' ( sunt obsedata, trebuia sa dau exemplul asta ), ci cele in care oamenii mor din motive atat de normale incat nu poti sa nu-ti fie frica sa ti se intample si tie; cum ar fi accidentele de masina care se produc din toate prostiile posibile, oamenii care cad cu liftul etaje intregi iar pana jos degeaba mai ajung, oamenii care sunt jefuiti si batuti noaptea pe strada... etc. Ce, crezi ca tie nu ti se poate intampla? Oricat ai sustine tu ca " nu ", pentru ca ai face orice sa eviti o situatie de genul asta, crede-ma ca lucrurile nu depind doar de tine si nu ai de unde sa stii cand te vei trezi pus in fata situatiei de care iti e cel mai frica, in situatia in care nu mai alegi tu daca traiesti sau nu; si atunci incepi sa apreciezi cu adevarat puterea de a alege si viata in general.

Mi s-a intamplat azi si s-a simtit groaznic. In 10 minute, mi-au trecut o gramada de ganduri si scenarii oribile prin minte; pe cine sa sun, ce sa fac, daca sa ma misc si mai ales cat de proasta sunt sa irosesc zile si nopti la rand dramatizand toate porcariile, fara sa vad cate lucruri frumoase exista pe lumea asta si cate lucruri frumoase am in viata mea. Expresia " mi-a trecut toata viata prin fata ochilor " este atat de adevarata si e trist ca e nevoie de momente de genul asta pentru a aprecia cu adevarat cat de importanta este viata.

Oricat de greu ar fi totul sau oricat te gandesti tu acum ca ceea ce am sustinut eu aici e o porcarie, sunt sigura ca si tu esti de acord cu urmatorul lucru: sunt multe lucruri rele in lumea asta si multe lucruri rele se intampla, dar nu poti nega ca totodata sunt si se intampla atat de multe lucruri bune, incat daca ne chinuim, chiar le putem ignora pe cele rele. Lucrurile rele trec si raman in trecut, greselile raman in trecut, fiecare perioada a timpului are momentele ei rele dar timpul trece si ea va deveni de asemenea, trecut. Nimic nu sta pe loc, ci totul evolueaza, poate chiar se schimba si orice situatie rea va fi depasita intr-un final. Doar pentru ca iti e al dracu' de greu uneori nu inseamna ca trebuie sa renunti sa traiesti sau sa te bucuri de lucrurile bune, care apar mereu, oricat de rare ar fi. Viata este atat de frumoasa si simpla odata ce invatam sa ne-o facem astfel si sa o apreciem; sunt atat de multe lucruri frumoase pentru care merita sa traiesti si crede-ma, le depasesc pe cele rele- si asta vine de la mine, iar cei care m-au cunoscut stiu ca eu n-as zice asta in mod normal.

Invata sa apreciezi faptul ca traiesti si daca vrei sa nu-ti treaca toata viata prin fata ochilor nu te urca in lift cand iesi de la meditatiile de la istorie, nu cred ca vrei sa cazi cu el de la etajul 7, sa se zguduie totul cu tine si tu sa te simti ca intr-un film horror. Nu incerc sa te sperii, dar eu nu ma mai urc in liftul ala, mi-a ajuns sa plang o data in el; viata e prea importanta ca sa ti-o risti doar pentru ca unii sunt atat de inconstienti incat nu-si dau seama ca daca nu repara un lucru bine, pot distruge o viata. Am cunoscuti ai caror parinti au murit cazand cu liftul si am auzit atatea cazuri in jurul meu, incat in momentul in care mi s-a intamplat si mie am crezut ca voi avea aceeasi soarta. 

Imagineaza-ti sa fii suspendat in aer teoretic. Sa te urci linistit si sa astepti. O zi normala. Acum imagineaza-ti cum ar fi sa  auzi brusc un fel de scartait, ca atunci cand sudeaza muncitorii si se aude zgomotul ala puternic ( sa auzi asta in lift, unde sunetul a fost atat de groaznic incat am simtit ca e clar ca o sa se intample ceva; cam atunci incepe panica ) si sa se zguduie totul cu tine, sa se deschida usile brusc de la zguduituri si sa vezi peretele de beton; sa se blocheze intre etaje initial, sa fii " wtf " dar sa te gandesti ca macar s-a oprit si apoi, de nicaieri, sa porneasca brusc in jos, sa cada in gol. De la etajul 7. Imagineaza-ti prin cate stari treci. Acum imagineaza-ti cum cazi, iar tu nu stii pe cine sa suni, daca mai are rost sa cauti butonul de panica, daca sa te uiti in gol sau sa inchizi ochii, sa strangi din dinti si sa astepti sa se termine repede. A fost ca in filme. A fost groaznic. Pare un lucru atat de banal cand e povestit dar nu a fost si am avut mare noroc. Am spus tuturor ca e ok, no big deal, dar stiu ca eu si tipul de la meditatii cu care eram in lift nu am fost deloc ok.

Cu toate acestea, ceea ce s-a intamplat m-a marcat pentru ceva timp. M-a facut sa realizez inca o data cat de mult vreau sa traiesc, cate vreau sa realizez si ca nu trebuie sa-mi permit mie insumi sa mai intru vreodata intr-o stare care m-ar face sa gandesc altfel.

Tu poate nu ai patit asa ceva, insa crede-ma ca daca ai pati, ai realiza aceleasi lucruri pe care le-am realizat si eu- viata nu e o gluma iar daca o sfarsesti, e permanent. Nu exista o a doua sansa. Stiu ca vrei sa traiesti. Stiu ca iti e greu. Dar va fi mai bine. Crede-ma, va fi mai bine. Just keep going.

So good and peaceful without the drama

Someday I'll have peace and I'll look for you.

" Even if you started this whole war in me. "

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~ I know what I bring to the table so trust me when I say I am not afraid to eat alone. ~

6 decembrie 2013


" Dear A,

The Weeknd - Wanderlust

The Neighbourhood - Alleyways

The Neighbourhood - Afraid

Kavinsky - Odd Look ft. The Weeknd

I haven’t wrote to you in a really long time.

Last week I was on your blog. I got bored, and scrolled down. 

I wasn’t expecting you to write about me. It was nice of you, to talk about me. To be honest I never expected you to even remember my name; I thought I was dead for you, burried in a box of memories. 

It’s funny and sad at the same time, how we got in the same highschool, see around school, and never talk one to each other. So many memories cross my mind when I see you. So many things happend to both of us. Sometimes I lay in my bed and think of you. I have sleeping and concentration issues, for some time. I remember you and I wonder what happend in your life. I can see that it had it ups and down, and I don’t know if right now it is an up or a down, but I can’t really do anything about it. I don’t have enough courage to come and talk with you. I just don’t. Sorry…

And yeah it is true. For your birthday I wrote a really nice thing that I planned to send to you, but I gave up. I just didn’t knew how you would react to it. I was scared. Such a coward. I am such a big coward and I know that. I got used to it. 

I know you changed a lot, like most of us, but I hope that in essence you are still the same person I considered my best friend, almost 3 years ago.

Good night, 

your friend A.

PS: I hope you got to read the thing I wrote about you. It’s tagged with “mine”, and it’s a photo. "

I didn't forget you, not even now, and I know for sure that I will never forget you. I shouldn't have lost you, just like I shouldn't have lost so many good friends because I paid too much attention to the one I shouldn't have paid attention to. I'm sorry I drifted away from you and drifted away from others. The sad part is that while I can fix everything with them, I can't fix things with you. It has been so much time... Another two years have gone by since you wrote that post and I'm sure we have changed and made other friends and have totally different lifes than we had even two years ago- considering the fact that we haven't actually talked for almost 5 years now, I guess? People, and also us, were still talking on messenger back then, wtf :)). And yeah, I'm still kind of crazy and bipolar and depressive when I shouldn't be; and I'm still a perfectionist and I still want people to understand me although I never explain; so I still have those kind-of-flaws, which I also had back then, in case you were wondering. 

You are and will always be one of those people that I will always feel sad about, for not having them in my life anymore. And yeah, there were silly and stupid reasons that I don't even remember exactly and I know we were both stubborn and couldn't see where each one of us was wrong and just talk it through and that cost us our friendship. It was even more awkward seeing you and not being able to talk to you as much as I wanted to but you know, she was there and I didn't want her to get mad, 'cause you know how she was when we were friends. 

I know we had a special connection and it will stay with me forever and I know that one day I won't be a coward either ( I am, too ) and I will have the courage to talk to you again. 

On the other hand, I know that because I got over losing you, in time, I can get over losing other friends. I have never talked much about you with anyone 'cause it made me very sad and after that I just tried to be ok. And I was. Eventually. And I know I will be again now, after I have finally separated myself from people who were never as true to me as you were. And I miss you sometimes and I'm so curious to get to know the person you have become or if you still like to draw or what's your music taste now- 'cause it was amazing back then. 

I will never forget you, I couldn't. Don't you remember that those were always my problems- that I hold on to things too much, I don't give up when I should and I also never forget anything? I grew up with you and that will stay with me forever. 

Wow

This really is amazing

Awww

" Diferenta dintre un om inteligent si unul prost este ca prostul face mereu aceeasi greseala, iar inteligentul tot timpul alta. "

ups

" Ma gandeam sa intru la dus, tu sa mananci si sa te pregatesti in timpul asta; si sa vin la tine sa ne plimbam pe afara pe acolo, stii tu, sa mergem sa stam chill in parculet si sa vorbim despre viata, ce zici? "

I just love it when you wake me up like this

I have never felt like this in my life- not even with you. It's like we've finally got to a point of our relationship where love grows more and more everyday and everything is so wow. Not only do I love you, but I'm also soooo in love with you and it's not because there's no fighting - there will always be fights 'cause we're crazy and we want to outsmart each other everytime so we fight and we'll probably always fight over almost anything, but everything is so good because I've finally totally opened up to you and I refuse to be scared of love anymore. I'll forever be grateful for the fact that you stayed by me all this time, throughout my "transition" and that you've accepted so many of my shit and my bipolar behaviour. I've matured so much in such little time, I've found myself and I guess I really needed to do that before I could totally open up to you. I know I'm finally ready for this life with you.

- a few months ago -

" Stiu ca esti doar proasta momentan si ai un fel de criza existentiala si ca o sa ai o revelatie la un moment dat si o sa realizezi ca eu sunt persoana potrivita pentru tine si o sa fii iar exact asa cum esti tu si exact asa cum stiu si eu ca esti; stiu asta si am speranta, doar ca n-ai ajuns inca acolo. 

Dar o sa ajungi acolo si o sa vina si acel moment, iar atunci eu o sa fiu tot aici. "

" NU INTELEGI NIMIC ! "

" Esti atat de draguta, nu te-am vazut niciodata asa, esti exact cum am vrut mereu sa fii si mi-e atat de frica, nu vreau sa te schimbi vreodata si sa fii ca inainte "

Just love me, be yourself always and don't be scared; and I promise you everything will be amazing. I've let all my walls down for you, for us and it's for real this time, I won't back down anymore.

" Cel mai rau doare ca daca azi chiar ar fi fost ziua aceea importanta pentru mine, ea asa ar fi reactionat. "

" Nu sunt nici nervoasa, nici nu vreau sa ma razbun si nu sunt nici suparata. Sunt doar trista. "

15 feb 2016

Peste cativa ani totul va fi bine cu mine dar nu o sa uit niciodata tot ce mi-ai facut, atat bine dar atat si atat de mult rau; si cel mai tare doare ca si el va fi nevoit sa treaca prin tot ce am trecut eu, o sa strici o alta persoana buna.

Flowers & wine & life talks. It was an amazing day 'cause everyday with you is pure magic ❤️ I love you

Omg baby this is so youuuu

I don't have enough fingers on one hand to count all the big shit and all the big shitty situations you put me through and it's even worse that you know it too.

~ Remember they will do you wrong over and over again, they will crush your heart every damn time and they will always find an excuse for their actions. But when you crush their heart back... oh, that's when they start complaining. ~

~ It's funny how when you hurt them you feel so bad but when they hurt you they blame you and live life. At least give them something to blame you for rather than accepting more of their shit. ~

" I didn’t know what to say to you, or even how to be your friend after what I did. "

Serena to Blair, GG season 1

It was not a game, it was not out of revenge, it was not even started by me. I was warned about it but I still trusted who I shouldn't have trusted. It was out of loss and hurt and I won't say sorry 'cause it never mattered when I did but I will admit to what I did and that I was a horrible person and I hated myself and worked hard to fix me and my life. It was something so stupid and gross and I will regret it for the rest of my life and I realised over time how naive I was; and the worst thing is I turned into you- I betrayed the ones I care about only because I was feeling a certain way. I forgot about what I believe in and who I am and I will always regret it.

Trust me, I've been there. More times

They stare at me while I stare at you

When you look at him and he doesn't look at anybody and u think oh I'm so lucky and then u don't look at him and he looks at somebody else and you're like wtf am I still hoping for...

Cum se face ca mi-ai iertat atatea, ti-am iertat atatea, au fost atatea lacrimi si atata durere si totusi inca ne certam din prostii? De ce nu pot sa ma obisnuiesc ca dupa tot ce s-a facut rau, poate sa fie si bine, poate sa se repare...

Maybe we'll be bruised forever, you and I, I don't know which one more, I just want to believe that we can have a happy forever...

~ Remember that when someone does you wrong so many times and abandons you so many times, at some point you're going to snap and do wrong ~

~ Truth is, I could've fixed everything but things just didn't deserved to be fixed ~