Why do I always have to suffer because of the things you have done to me in the past? Why does it always have to be a bad past that you've put us through? Why even now???!!!
It could've all been so easy in our relationship. I was fucking crazy for you and head over heels in love with you since before we've even been together and you were just you and you made it so fucking complicated. You were so fucking stupid. You ruined it. You always make me the "bad guy", the mean girl, the bad partner in our relationship; maybe you can finally understand why I'm being like that, why it is so easy for me to be mean to you and you should have gotten way worse for everything you have done. You fucking deserve it.
I don't want to be that girl who tells you shit about her exes 'cause I will never talk shit about someone I have hurt and I also don't want to hear from you how your other girls were shitty 'cause you had no problem with them back then; and the truth is, you're the one who fucks everyone up, who fucked all of us up, who fucked me up. My first highschool years were horrible because of you, I was your joke over and over again. I was such a depressed, sad and horrible person- only because you fucked me up. And you've actually had and sometimes still have the nerve to criticise me and what I had done in a time when all I wanted to do was to FORGET ABOUT YOU AND ALL OF THE HURT YOU BROUGHT TO MY LIFE, to do anything to STOP FROM WANTING TO KILL MYSELF BECAUSE OF HOW MUCH I WAS HURTING BECAUSE OF YOU. You've made me become someone I hated and it took me until now, a lot of experiences and a lot of work with myself to be the real me again.
Do you honestly have no remorse for all the bad things you have done to me? If I were you, I couldn't leave with myself knowing that I have destroyed my soulmate's heart so badly. So badly, that she has desperately tried to cure all the hurt but it just doesn't go away.
Do you actually think that you can use the mistakes I've made and make them equal to your mistakes, so we're even, and that you can say that we have both made mistakes and that we can move on? You've never actually realized that you have fucked me up, made your mistakes and played me before I have even done anything, before I have even done any mistakes. You started it. You fucking made me do mistakes, you fucking made me go crazy.
Do you actually think that the physical mistakes, that I have made, are worse than the actual damage YOU have done to my brain?????!!!!
It was not enough for you to fuck me up when we were not together. You had to also fuck me up for the most part of our relationship, apparently.
Right now, I wasn't even crying because of all the shit you've put me through, because I got used to it. I was crying because I was so angry that when I have finally had peace of mind, you took it all away again:
IT COULD'VE BEEN SO GOOD SINCE SUCH A LONG TIME AGO and now I have to deal, again, with another thing you have fucked me up and tortured me with? Another year. Now is actually worse 'cause we were actually together and this time, the problems, the shit, meant SO MUCH lost time from OUR time, in which we could've been happy. You don't even realize how serious this is.
It would have been better if I had just stayed under the impression that things were just as they were.
You honestly cannot understand how much pain I have inside and that it doesn't just all go away. I had so much pain before, that I've had finally forgotten and now you've brought another pain. That's just how you are. You fuck me up constantly, you make me go through all these emotions, up and down, and then you complain about my behaviour, making me think that I am the bad one. I don't know why you've wanted to make me go mad. I can't take it anymore, I honestly cannot.
I've tried to explain to you for so long, day after day, month after month, fight after fight and tear after tear how things should be, that they should be like you said you wanted them to be today; and you've never listened to me and now you're telling me exactly what I have always told you, fought with you over and went crazy about? Don't you fucking get it?! I COULD HAVE NEVER SNAPPED, I COULD HAVE NEVER FUCKING CHEATED AND FUCKING DESTROY THE GOOD, WE COULD HAVE NEVER FOUGHT SO HARD ALL THE TIME. IT COULD HAVE BEEN GOOD FOR SO LONG. SO MANY MISTAKES COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED. Don't you realize?! More than that, today I was like you, I had the behaviour I hated the most and I'm so angry that you're making me be like this only because you couldn't be sane.
We always do everything harder instead of just doing it. I made so many mistakes but this is all on you. You made me hurt myself as a person, my character, the principles I've had. All of the problems and the rage in my life, since I was 15 years old, have started because of you. I fucking hate all of these bad memories I have made for myself, because of you. My teenage years were mostly sorrow and now they're gone. I hate it, all of these lost teenage years that I will never get back, in which I was mostly depressed and have mostly done bad things because of you.
I've tried so fucking hard this time. God, how much I've tried... With everything I have.
You can be the best thing that has ever happened to me but you're also the worst thing ever and although I like this good and bad combination, I don't know how much more I can take it, 'cause you have made me lose myself and a lot of people over and over again in the tears and sorrow and depression and rage you've made me have.
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