That's the thing about pain. It demands to be felt. And I fucking feel it with all of those broken pieces and all of these fucking tears because I can't fucking stop and I want to fucking stop !

" Sunt atat de sociabila ca sa ascund faptul ca plang in fiecare seara inainte de culcare. "

23 decembrie

' " Ok iubito, stii ca ai zis tu ca in ziua asta atat de speciala nu va fi nimic diferit? Pai eu m-am gandit ca, din moment ce mereu ma ocup de -locul- ala, azi sa ma ocup de tot ceea ce esti tu. "

El deschide usa iar tu intri dezorientata..
Without you. American Horror Story. McDonalds. Cheeseburger. Vin rosu in 2 pahare. Tigari.

* Imagineaza-ti cum e sa intrii in camera iubitului tau si sa vezi ca el a adunat, in acel spatiu mic, lucrurile tale preferate. Pe fundal auzi melodia voastra

pe ecranul calculatorului vezi deschis serialul vostru, pe pat mancarea ta preferata, pe masa bautura preferata exact asa cum iti place sa o bei si tigarile care iti plac.

Perfect. He's perfect.
Ai transformat viziunea mea asupra zilei de 23 decembrie, zi in care timp de 2 ani am plans. Mi-ai creat alte amintiri, superbe si tot alaturi de tine. Inca nu-mi vine sa cred cat timp a trecut si ca esti al meu, ca imi dai voie sa te iubesc si sa ma deschid in fata ta si mai ales, ca imi oferi mai multa iubire decat mi-as fi imaginat vreodata ca exista.
I'm the luckiest girl in the world because I can say that I have my soulmate everyday by my side and he makes me the happiest person in the world. '

And it's not just that you would do these things for me, is the fact that you actually do them because you know that they make me happy. Is the fact that you care. Everyday. The fact that you love me extra everyday. Your love grows day by day and mine also. You make me trust you with my heart, with everything.

28 decembrie

Just remember that, from this day forward, all you used to mean to me, is gone. You made me "stop".

" She talks about him like he puts the stars in the sky. "

This is for the time you gave me flowers
For the world that is ours
For the moonlights, for the power of love
Imma take this time to show you how much you mean to me
'Cause you are all I need
No money can emphasize or describe the love that's in between the lines
Boy look into my eyes
This is beyond sex
Boy I'm high on you, and if it's real
Then you know how I feel
In my mind all I can think about is a frame for our future
And the pictures of the past,
And a chance to make this love last.

And no I won't never ever give you up
And I wanna say thank you in case I don't thank you enough
You'll never need 2 'cause I will be your number 1
Them other chicks are superficial
But I know you know I'm the one
That's why I'm all into you 

You are everythin' in my life, see the joy you bring
And ain't no one I compare you to
And I know that you will never walk away from me no matter what
And that's why I plan to do the same thing for you

Omg this is so fucking true

And you try to keep it together in a low, distant voice as you hear him crying in the phone, then you make up the excuse that you have to go to eat, so after you hang up the phone you start crying and crying and cutting and you just hate yourself more and more everyday.

" Nu mai stiu cum sa reactionez, daca sa mai incerc sau sa mai sper. S-au intamplat atat de multe lucruri neasteptat de rele in ultima perioada, atatea dezamagiri, incat nici nu-mi dau seama daca m-am resemnat sau sunt in starea de negare. Nu prea mai stiu, nu mai diferentiez. Nu mai disting sentimentele. Nu stiu daca sunt trista sau fericita, obosita sau plicitisita, fericita sau politicoasa. Nu are sens ce scriu, nici nu am mai scris de mult timp, ma invart in cerc: mi se face rau- fac rau oricui pot- distrug tot- ma calmez- mi se face rau- fac rau.... Si tot asa. "

"... So years later, after they met for the first time, he finally held her hand and asked if she thought their timing was right yet and waited for her yes before finally kissing her.

Now, she lets him hold her because now he is the man who has always loved her for her hurricanes rather than like her in spite of them, and she has learned to love his.

Because she doesn’t realize that he remembers the way she had made a forever promise to him when she was sixteen and writing poems in the old worn-out notebook during the day and he was eighteen and failing to control his need to call her at night.

They don’t know that when she was sixteen and a junior in high school, she used to change the way she was in an effort to catch a glimpse of him, only to miss him.

And when he was eighteen, he never kissed her, never dared to hold her hand, hardly allowed himself to hug her because he knew how dangerous letting himself touch her would be.

And she remembers when she was sixteen and a half and told him she was crazy about him and he was eighteen and trying not to get swept up into her by reminding her about the things that keep them apart.

And she still thinks of the time when she was sixteen and three quarters and he let his walls fall down in front of her and showed her his insecurities and she really knew what it meant to feel special.

And he recalls when he was eighteen and four months and she was sixteen and ten months and he told her he hoped their timing would work out someday.

~ Years after this, he held her hand after dinner and got down on one knee and told her he wanted their timing to always be right, and she told him she did too.

So when she was twenty-nine and a half and he was thirty-one, they exchanged official forever promises in front of their closest friends and family and she cried because she had fulfilled the promise she made when she was sixteen and writing poems that made his heart implode, and he had allowed himself to have his dream.

And when she was thirty and he was thirty-one and a half, he dreamt of a little girl with her eyes and his smile and she dreamt of a little boy with his hair and her words and so by the time she was thirty-three and he was thirty-four and a half, they had both.

And so when the little girl with his smile and her eyes was seven, and the little boy with her words and his hair was five, they asked their parents about storybooks and fairytales and she told them about a sixteen year old girl and her forever promise and he told them that with real love, the timing will always turn out right. ~ "

This is for you to read, my one true love, <V.

“Stop. You can’t love me because you’re lonely, or because I am the only one who doesn’t piss you off. I want to piss you off, I want to get on your fucking nerves. I don’t want the responsibility of always being your rock. I will try, but I’m a mess, too. I lie, I sleep too much and I don’t like children under the age of 6, really. I don’t even know if I want kids because I’m selfish, and mothers can’t be selfish once they decide to carry another life.

I’m always looking for the rain to come so I trip over my own feet. I know exactly what the air smells like before a storm.

Before you fall in love with me, I want you to know that I cry a lot because it feels good, and I masturbate at least 4 times a week, and you might fall out of love with me before either of us are ready for it.

I have no experience with this. I’m trying to be brave and smart but its almost impossible to be both at the same time.

You can’t love me like a fire escape. Sometimes I will be the match, or the smoke under the door. I don’t know what I’m doing, all I know is that we all catch fire sometimes, before we even get warm.

Before you fall in love with me, I want you to know that there’s a 50% chance that this won’t work, that one of us will wind up hating the other. I will try to keep your head above water, but sometimes I’ll need help, too.

I can’t be your savior, and I don’t expect you to be mine. Just watch me unfold and I’ll watch you unfold, too. We’ll get drunk and tell each other everything. I know that’s cheating but maybe it’ll be alright. Maybe we won’t wake up embarrassed.

I am going to fall in love with you, too, feet first. Maybe we’ll slow dance off a building together, maybe we’ll have forgotten each other’s names by this time next year. I don’t care, the sky is gray with or without you, so I’m not going to look up anymore, I’m going to look ahead .”

         —Before You Fall in Love with Me,                 Caitlyn S.

" Depression, is a good lover.

So attentive; has this innate way of making everything about you.

And it is easy to forget that your bedroom is not the world,

That the dark shadows your pain casts is not mood-lighting.

It is easier to stay in this abusive relationship than fix the problems it has created. "

~wow~